I have never had the good fortune to name a child, but if I had I would never have inflicted on my son or daughter a name that they would have to spell, repeat, correct and curse for all of their lives.
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To me, the practice of burdening kids with names that are "unique" or "quirky" is the epitome of bad parenting, condemning the innocent to bullying at school, ridicule in private and eternal frustration when their names on important documents get messed up.
The internet is riddled with tales of parental malpractice.
Nelson Workman is a teacher somewhere in the United States whose roll call included brothers lumbered with the names Lemonjello and Orangejello.
Eric Jaurequi was convinced that his pregnant wife would produce an Eric Jr, but out popped a daughter.
He didn't fancy Erica, so saddled her with Cire (Eric spelt backwards) instead.
Most susceptible to the idiotic are the offspring of celebrities such as Kanye West who thought of Easton (West) for his son before settling on North.
Actress Cameron Diaz has a daughter named Raddix (she's bound to get "Radish" from someone) while Blue Ivy is the child of Beyoncé ("Poison" Ivy looms large).
Sting has fathered a Fuschia which invites the cruellest of distortions, and then there's Bob Geldorf's Pixie and Peaches or Frank Zappa's Dweezil and Moon Unit (now known as Moon).
Telisia Smith's parents may have chosen an elusive first name to compensate for the most common of surnames.
"Almost all of my certificates from primary school misspell it," she says.
"I have to repeat it three times when introducing myself. I've lost count of the number of variations, so now I just nod politely at whatever I hear."
David and Bridget are friends who named their boys Flynn and Archer, which were uncommon at birth but they now share classrooms with boys of the same name.
David, who can be a bit playful, reckons Archer came to him as the result of a sneeze.
"It was more like an 'ar-cha' than an 'ar-choo'", he says.
Archer answers to Archie or Arch, so there is really no point in mums and dads signing birth certificates for Katherine, Samantha, Elizabeth, Mitchell, Nicholas or William as they'll always be known by their common contractions. They might as well save the ink.
Around 320,000 babies were born in Australia last year with Olivia, Mia and Charlotte; Oliver, Jack and Noah being the most popular, but the trend is towards names that are more mischief than imagination.
I feel for the suffering of all the Alyzabeths, Klowees, Olyviyas, Jaeysins, Lukiss' and Kamryns out there and wince in sympathy for the Richard Dicks ... small consolation for them that they are unlikely to repeat the selfish and moronic errors of their parents.
