I'd like to say I have a love/hate relationship with my mobile phone, but the truth is there is no love.
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No device has caused me more angst, and so when an upgrade became unavoidable last year, I dumbed the little smartie down and refused to synchronise it...to anything.
Please, I just want a phone, without the bells, whistles and spinning wheels, the demands to download, to buy, to activate, or to find the pathway to betterment at a cost.
My phone has never taken a selfie or a groupie, or beckoned any app. All of the free apps, the ones you can't delete even if you want to, remain untouched.
But despite all precautions I remain prey to mysterious hang-ups and pernicious scams.
The anti-social little chatterbox doesn't belong in restaurants, waiting rooms, supermarkets, live shows or cinemas.
It all comes down to social etiquette. And yet carriers seem oblivious to the irritation they cause to those who choose to keep their hands free.
In Melbourne, mobile phones are a pestilence.
With devices fixed to their ears the fanatics are last to board trams, trains and buses, and last to leave. In their ignorance they sentence the entire transport system to quicksand.
At traffic lights, I confess to having left the car to challenge the driver behind me with a stern "I'm not moving until you ditch that phone!"
Those who acknowledge their wrong apologise.
To those who bite back, I snap, "Would you rather I stop you, or the police?"
I hold my tongue in supermarkets, when aisles are clogged by phone-bound shoppers leaning on trolleys as they dawdle around, staring vacantly at the shelves, then jamming checkouts using their one free hand to unload trolleys while others with no time to spare silently seethe.
If the cost of living was an issue at the last election (isn't it always?) it seems to me that the non-necessities of life are causing most of the strain.
Imagine the burden of data on families of six or more, a burden that was easier to bear a generation ago when VCRs were a luxury.
Technology used to reward us with things we actually needed, like washing machines, vacuum cleaners and fridges.
Now, for apps addicts there are Sausage Wars where your favourite frankfurts and bratwurst do battle...and another which tells the user whether it's night or day outside.
What is the point of texting a question (like "How are you?") that might require a detailed answer, or having a text-driven to-and-fro squabble that can be settled with a call?
I'm convinced patience and a landline covers about 95 per cent of the essentials a smartphone can do.
Enjoy some freedom; find the resolve to sever the invisible umbilical and end the tyranny. They are called "cell phones" for a reason you know.